Bush unveils new plan in Iraq: primate warfare

With the war in Iraq closing in on 7 years and thousands of casualties, the Pentagon is looking for new, inventive ideas to employ on the urban-desert battlefield. Operation Monkey Business may be exactly what the war in Iraq needs. “New wars require new tactics,” Said pentagon spokesmen James Farnuk, “and this tactic is pure gold.”

The tactic Farnuk is referring to is the new plan unveiled today to train and arm 5500 monkeys, apes, and chimps for peacekeeping operations in the Iraq theater.

“This may sound slightly crazy,” Farnuk said at a Pentagon press release, “But these primates are exactly what the war needs. They cannot speak English, so we don’t have to hear them whining about how they’d like to have ceramic plates in their body armor. They’re used to living in a zoo or a jungle so housing them will be easy. And they’ve got opposable thumbs on their hands and their feet. Think about it: the average foot soldier only has two limbs that can fire weapons. These buggers have four. Guns on their hands. Guns on their feet. These guys are bristling death!”

“Hannibal used elephants to great success, but this may be a tactic of a new order. Giving monkeys guns and grenades is radically different from using pachyderms to cross mountains.” Said Col. Devin LaBrie of Army  Special Ops command. “These primates are not bound by the Geneva Convention which only applies to humans. Plus, they are ultra aggressive when we starve them for several days. Anyone that makes eye contact with these chimps is gonna get a bullet in the brain, or any other place these monkeys can hit!”

The new plan was devised by the commander-in-chief after a late night viewing of Planet of the Apes.

“I never realized how ruthless apes can be until I saw Charlton Heston being man-handled by those dirty apes. It was terrifying to watch how vicious they could be!” Bush said in a press conference on Monday. “I knew any ape that could handle a man like Heston would be a great soldier in Iraq. I got on the horn immediately to try and find out what happened to the apes in that movie. Were they executed for their crimes against humanity? No one seems to know where they went. But I’m sure if we round up enough apes we’ll get some of their descendants in the mix. They come from good stock. Tough fighters. Kinda creep though, apes talking like men and wearing man-clothes, but that may be what we need. Bloodthirsty, smart apes that can speak perfect English. This is going to be the turning point of the war!” Bush said with unbridled enthusiasm.

The plan, however, is being criticized by animal rights groups that feel this would be placing primates in a difficult situation. “My God, these are peaceful creatures not tools of war!” Said Emily Smith of PETA. “They know nothing of war or killing or even how to load a gun and the US military wants to use them as pawns to attack other humans. This is atrocious. How will the apes be compensated-in bananas? What about access to health care on the battlefield? The hot sand will burn their tender foot pads. Who knows how to treat an ape on the battlefield? This plan is not sound.”

The president, however, seems unperturbed by the critics.

“This plan rules. Once those apes touch down in Iraq they will be killing machines. No mercy, just chimps enslaving the terrorists and parading them around in leg irons and neck chains. This will be my greatest success. Apes in Iraq is going to totally rock!”

Cupid shot and killed by hunters in Wyoming

Early Monday morning two hunters shot and killed a small (2Kg) winged cherub that has been postitively identified as ‘cupid’. DNA tests confirmed the kill Wednesday afternoon at an undisclosed Wyoming Fish and Game laboratory.

“We have positively identified the remains of one A. S. Cupid, angel of love. We have estimated his age to be about 4,000 years old, making him the oldest known big game species ever captured in Wyoming history. Aiding in the identification were his personal effects which included a small wooden bow, a quiver full of ivory arrows, and a Starbucks charge card with the name ‘A Cupid’. He dressed out at slightly over 1kg and that is currently a new record in the Boone and Crocket registry.”Said Albert Esk, spokesperson for Wyoming Fish and Game.

“I’ve been tracking this little bugger for years, but I had no idea I’d ever hit the sun-of-a-bitch with a clean shot.” Said Erlen Busby, “I looked over at Hank and said ‘Is that what I think it is?’ and Hank dropped his Ranier and said ‘Hell yea it is. Blast that little winged fucker’. So I put the 30-.06 up to my shoulder, drew a bead, and let’er fly. The first shot winged him and it took off flying straight at us, shooting arrows at me and Hank. Right then I was afeared for my life; I had Cupid fever real bad. My third shot finally got it, but ole Hank had an arrow sticking out of his chest and weird look on his face. I says to him ‘Hank, shit, Hank are you gonna be okay?’ cause it looked real bad and he says ‘Yea, I’m alright, just hold me, I’m so cold.’ And I says ‘Hank don’t die on me, jus’ hold on.’ And he says ‘Oh I will.’ And he gazed up at me with a real weird look in his eyes-kinda the same way he looks at beer. I knewed somethin’ was wrong. The whole drive back he kept lookin’ at me and try to touch my ears and such. I was real mad at him-finally I kicked his ass outta the truck and made him walk the rest of the way home. Ivory arrow in his chest or not I wasn’t about to let that go on! However, that bein’ said I must confess he is a hansome fella!”

“It’s too bad they had to shoot him,” Said Evelyn Artis of the San Francisco Zoo, “We would love to have him in the new ‘Mythological Creatures of Yore’ exhibit. Currently we’ve only been able to capture a Harpy, and most people do not really enjoy it as an exhibit. Having a sweet, angelic creature flitting about would really boost the profile of the Zoo.”

With the death of Cupid, however some third graders are worried about the future prospects of love on Valentines day. “I really like Becky Simson and I was counting on Cupid to put a little love in her heart for me. I made her a special valentine with glue and macaroni. I’m good at marbles but I’ve got really bad buck teeth and without that Cupid I don’t think she’ll ever really go out with me.”

“He’s right.” Said Becky “he does have buck teeth.”

Others seemed happy with demise of Cupid.

“I hate love. I hate life. I glad he’s dead. Bring on the darkness.” Chanted William ‘Moldart’ Clemens, age 15. “I’m a nihilistic anarchist and I hate love. But I love heavy metal. I think I’m gonna write a song about that little bastard dying.”

Eventually Cupid’s remains will stuffed and put on display at the Wyoming Museum of Natural History. Taxidermist  Clay Pots will perform the postmortem work to bring Cupid back to life and put him on display.

“It’s sure a weird deal trying to make him look real. When they brought him in he was only wearing a little towel. We’re gonna have to dress him in Carhartts to protect the women and children. Can’t have a little naked fellar hanging out in a museum. Wouldn’t be right.” Said Pots.

“It was the crowning glory of my hunting career.” said Erlen Busby, “But poor Hank still ain’t right in the head. The arrow’s clean gone, but he still looks at me all weird-like. Ole Hank gone clean off the deep end, but I guess it’s cause he’s jealous about me gettin’ a Boone and Crocket Cupid. Oh well, maybe next year he’ll get a shot at another bugger.”

Book details the replacement of democracy with materialism

Artmis Huntley claims democracy is dying a rapid death. In his new book the author and professor of anthropology at Case Western University claims ‘democracy is a tattered, disease ridden whore incapable of satisfying the needs and desires of the basest troglodyte’.

“The need for democracy is rapidly declining in the Western hemisphere. Who needs to choose political representation when you can go to Best Buy and purchase an I-phone? The need for democratic process is dying away. As long as shiny new goods and services are available in abundance, why should I care who inhabits the White House? I want to know if my new Dodge has a hemi, not who voted on a farm aid bill. Really, who cares?” The author said with a light-hearted laugh. “Do you think George Washington would have fought the British if they had brought over a new shipment of Mac powerbooks and I-pods from merry old England? By all means no; he would’ve spent the winter at Valley Forge downloading hot new movies and kickin’ R&B. Who wants to fight for freedom when you can download tunes and videos in high-def?”

Huntley’s new book makes several claims as to why democracy is failing.

“Currently we have a president in the Oval Office that has failed to capture Osama Bin Laden, started a failing, expensive war under false pretenses, engaged in torture and illegal wire tapping, suspended habeas corpus, vetoed a bill to give health care to poor children, and adulterated and politicized the Justice department. Ha! Nobody cares! We might as well have a autocratic monarchy because no one really cares what the current government does. Why don’t we care? Because we can buy whatever we want! The American dream is still being fulfilled, and that dream involves purchasing as many bright, shiny objects as humanly possible. Bravo, brave new world! Democracy was, and is, a great starter program to put the financial infrastructure in place to allow Americans to borrow money to buy new things. Democracy doesn’t make Americans happy; a new, fire-engine red BMW SUV with all wheel drive makes them happy. Take that democracy!”

While Huntley’s opinion may seem unorthodox, he has raised considerable support from many Americans.

“It just takes too much time to keep up on all the stuff they talk about. Blah, blah, blah!” Said Dave Sayes, “I’d have to sit down and read things. Like books and paper stuff. Ugh! It makes my eyes and head hurt. I’d rather watch 24 and football games and reruns of Dirty Dancing. That shit rocks!”

“All politicians are corrupt so who cares who we have in office?” Said Dede Smith, “All they do is lie and cheat and steal. I can watch that on ‘Desperate Houswives’ on my new plasma screen TV and enjoy the drama! Real life and politics kind of suck. They should take politicians, put them all in house together for three months and call it ‘Real politician world’. I’d watch that, especially if Hillary is hooking up with someone. Ooooh that would be sooooo hot!”

While public opinion varies on the topic, several ‘intellectuals’ have also weighed in on the matter.

“This is absurd. Democratic government is the basis for the freedoms Americans have come to love. It is the foundation of the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Americans have forgotten what it means to be governed by individuals that suppress individual liberties. I cannot believe the apathy that exists in our society today. Every good citizen should be engaged in their government-both at a local and a national level.” Said Bill Quirk, a professor of history at Yale. “That being said, would you like to see my new PDA/sat phone? It’s 60gig with Bluetooth and planetary Wifi, friggin awsome!”

Huntley has countered this argument with a series of psychological experiments designed to prove his point.

“We took 10 healthy male volunteers aged 17 to 20 put them in bare-walled prison with a flea infested, itchy wool blanket and a coffee can to relieve themselves in. We then rolled in an 84 inch Sony plasma TV connected to a brand new play station 3 with an enhanced version of Halo 3. We let them play for exactly 1 hour in that squalid hell hole and then we unlocked the door to the prison. Essentially, we offered them freedom. How many left behind the video game and left the prison to enjoy their freedom? None. Zero. We served them gruel for 3 meals a day and all the Halo they wanted. None of them left. We let them play for days until they collapsed from malnourishment and dehydration. They played so much they began hallucinating. They actually believed the game was going on in their head. After several months they forgot about the TV entirely as they crawled around the room moving their index fingers spasmodically and babbling about the itchiness of their blankets. They would forgo the sweet blessings of freedom to remain captive to the electronic toy they loved. Ha! It was like lab monkeys with cocaine. It was sheer brilliance and it captures my point rather succinctly-who needs personal freedom when you’ve got Halo 3?

Some Americans remain appalled by the book and the statements it attempts to make.

“I’m an American and I love freedom. I hate France. I love NASCAR and football and apple pie.” Said Denny ‘Texas’ Red, “Don’t try and tell me what the hell is gonna replace my love for the Stars and Stripes. Nothin’ is gonna take away my democratic life cause if they try I’ll damn sure blow a hole in their head with my 30.06. That 180 grain bullet’ll pop year head open like a pumpkin. Matera-whatever-it-is better watch out. I’m going to Wal-mart to buy some new TV trays and WWF Smackdown DVD. The Undertaker fuckin’ rules!”

Hillary Clinton’s Laughter Used as Torture Device

In a desperate attempt to appear more ‘human’ and less robotic Hillary Clinton has been accused of attempting to employ laughter to dispel rumors she is an ‘unearthly cybernetic organism’. Her recent appearances on several talk shows have allowed her to showcase her new laughter and a lighter side to her political candidacy.

“I wanted to show I could pull off a genuine laugh without actually injuring my face. I think my laughter shows the overwhelming joy I have in my heart! Joy, Joy Joy, down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart!” She chanted as she broke into a spine-chilling giggle.

The public reaction was, however, not as joyful.

“That laugh, that fucking laugh. Shit, it was horrible.” Said Bob Simmons as he struggled to hold back the tears, “What creature actually sounds like that?”

“I’ve never heard a sound that could actually stop the beating of my heart.” Said Evan Swenk, “But the doctors claim I was clinically dead for 13 minutes. There was no tunnel of light, just darkness, just the darkness and that sound coming from her face. It was the most horrific moment of my life.”

“My son, Billy, literally began shrieking. He grabbed his pet cat, hector, and tried to pull out all of its fur. He just kept crying out ‘make it stop mommy, please make it stop or hector will be sad!’ Said houswife Ede White.

However, not all public reaction was unfavorable, “While I found the sound and facial expressions very disturbing, I felt my visceral reaction to claw out my own eyes may have an actual usage.” Said Army Colonel Dave Duskins of US ARMY PsYOps. “We have to find a way to break down prisoners and we’re finding that torture just doesn’t really work all that well. They scream and cry and tell us anything we want to hear. Not so good. When we played the tape of Hillary laughing to several inmates at Guantanamo we found they broke down very quickly. They still cried and screamed, but they gave us solid intel. You should have seen them groveling, begging us to turn off the tape. It was pathetic. Of course I couldn’t hear their cries, what with the ear plugs, ear muffs and double blindfold I was wearing. It took awhile to find the stop button on the VCR.”

The ARMY has been conducting extensive testing to discover the secret effect to the malevolent cackling.

“We sat down a room full of special forces operatives, SEALs, Force Recon, Rangers, and played them the tape. Remember these guys are stone cold killers. They folded like cheap origami. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. After 10 seconds the SEALs in the front row collapsed into the fetal position and began sucking their thumbs. A Ranger in the back row tried to throw himself through a wall to escape the sound. It was chaos. They ended up attacking the TV unit and destroying it with their bare hands. They were so completely enraged by the sound that they lost control of their minds. It was a powerful testament to what this woman laughing can do to other humans.”

“There are some primates in the animal kingdom that can create sounds so unnatural that it becomes excruciatingly painful for other humans to listen to.” Said ARMY psychologist Russ Bingham, “Hillary’s laughter is so forced, so alien to her psyche, that she ends up creating a sound that is, quite literally, torturous to endure. It is the physiological equivalent of ‘nails on a chalkboard’ for your immortal soul. We can use her anguished cackle to break down prisoners of war. Forget shipping these poor assholes to Syria to get beaten with lead pipes, this is the new method of extraction!”

Amnesty International has filed a formal protest against the use of Clinton’s laughter on inmates at Guantanamo bay.

“We feel the use of Hillary’s laughter is completely inhumane. We would rather have the military use waterboarding rather than play this tape to inmates. We despise the use of all torture, but this crosses the line. Her laughter is, without a doubt, the worst method of torture we have ever encountered.” Said William Marcus, a spokesperson for Amnesty International.

The Pentagon, however, is not willing to give up the newest device in the War on Terror.

“We feel this is a valid tool that does not violate what used to be the Geneva Convention. There are no marks on the prisoners. No dark, dungeon-type tortures. Hell, we can play this tape in a sunny room with filled flowers, baby lambs, clowns and balloons and still elicit pain from our inmates. Her laughter is rewriting the textbook on torture.” Said an anonymous source within the Pentagon. “We played this tape to dolphins swimming in a tank and they literally drove themselves into the side of the tank until they were unconscious. Her laughter will allow us to control the entire animal kingdom with fear and terror!”

Political commentators appear to less than thrilled with her laughter.

“I will never have that woman on my show again.” said Bob Schieffer, host of Face the Nation. “She was completely deranged. I wanted to punch her every time I heard that laugh, and I haven’t punched anyone for several weeks. Why would she laugh like that? Was she high or something?”

Popular psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw was equally appalled, “Her laughter is a sign of her deep seated need to try and force people to vote for her. She knows it’s wrong but she can’t help but doing it. Her behavior shows a callous disregard for the psyche of all those around her. She needs to take a good, hard look at that laugh and decide how many lives she’s willing to destroy with it.”

Clinton was surprised at the overall reaction to her laughter.

“I thought they’d love it. It’s all about my joy. I’m so happy, why can’t they see that? Well if they can’t take my sweet, sweet laughter then fuck’em!”

Restaurant forced to alter sign after public outcry

Trendy, SoHo restaurant owner Micheal Hoffman had no idea his sign would create such a public outcry. Having endured rude, unruly children for the past two years was becoming more than he could bear and was seriously affecting his business. With an attitude, a black felt tip pen, and some scratch paper he constructed a crude sign stating “Loud unruly children will be shot!”. It was this sign hanging in his windows next to the geraniums that resulted in a severe community-wide backlash.

“I couldn’t believe anyone would place a sign like that in their window. I think he’s a bastard for writing that! My children are little angels.” Said Eve Swanson after walking past the restaurant. “Sure, William has a penchant for gasoline and matches, but what healthy child these days doesn’t?”

“I felt personally offended by what he wrote.” Said Dave Cummings, “My kids are hyperactive, sugar guzzling gremlins and I’m pounding them with Ritalin. What more can I do?”

“Mary is a really good kid, she just has trouble with authority figures, and I don’t want to stifle that sense of freedom and curiosity. She loves to dig through peoples purses and I think that’s a great thing. The world is hers to explore.” Said Beth Whitehouse.

Hoffman had no idea the amount of criticism he would receive over the sign and the actions associated with it.

“We actually had an incident where a little lad had grabbed a meatball and hucked it across the room at another diner. Well the ball was hot and it ended up scorching the face of the poor woman. Right then I knew it was time to act. I authorized the hit and I stand by my decision. The only thing I regret is the collateral damage.”

Hoffman is referring to an incident that occurred last May when his waiter, Rufus Huckbee, walked up to the irate child and shot him in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. The dart, loaded with 8mg of the horse tranquilizer Isopene, failed to calm the child. In the ensuing melee Huckbee was forced to shoot the child three more times before he could pull the enraged child off of his leg. Understandably shaken he accidentally pulled the trigger as he stumbled backwards and ended up shooting an elderly woman in the forehead. While the dart failed to pierce her skull it considerably slowed the pace of her pasta consumption. “Things were really out of control. Pasta and meatballs flying everywhere. Al dente my ass. It was a war zone. That kid took 24mg of Isopene before his eyes glazed over and he dropped the bowtie pasta. It was horrific. That poor old lady just looked up at me and asked ‘why?’ I couldn’t give her a rational answer.” Huckbee said later.

“I was really mad at my mommy.” Said Billy Simpkins age 3, “She wouldn’t give me sea horsey so I said I hated her. I hated food. Yuck. The man shot me with a feather thing and I was tired.”

“That waiter had no right to shoot my little Billy with a dart.” Said Mary Simpkins, “Who knows what those horse drugs will do to him?”

Hoffman shook his head in disgust, “There are no scientific studies showing any specific ill effects on children. Currently Isopene is approved for all veterinary uses. Hell, they use these things on million dollar racehorses, do you really think they’d do that if the drugs weren’t safe?”

“Shooting children with horse tranquilizers, while not scientifically unsound, may set up a dangerous cycle of drug seeking behavior.” Said Psychologist Norma Wood. “This may encourage children to act out just so they can be tranquilized. I have been treating Billy for one year after the incident and I find his behavior slightly irrational. He will literally attack any horse he can find, biting at their legs to try and get the ‘horsey sleepy juice’ he believes exists in the animals. He has been trampled and kicked on multiple occasions. This type of restaurant policy is clearly not in the best interest of the child. That being said, it does make the dining out experience much more enjoyable!”

In light of the public outcry over the sign Hoffman has decided to append it.

“I knew we needed to be more specific, and the blame is really mine. I’ve since altered the sign to read ‘Loud, unruly children will be shot with horse tranquilizers’, and this seems to have done the trick. Business is booming and the restaurant is as quiet as a graveyard. I think we’ve reached an acceptable compromise for all parties involved.

Nancy Pelosi Thwarts Republican Poisoning Plot

AFZ Press, Washington DC

 

In a single, brilliant, coordinated attack, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi foiled a Republican plot to poison several key Democrats. In a desperate move to regain control of the House and the Senate, Republican party members attempted to poison the salad bar in the Capital Hill cafeteria. Using E. coli specimens obtained from a Texas outhouse, Tom DeLay and Virgil Goode walked through the salad bar line dressed as ninjas and, ‘while pretending to sneeze’, doused the salad bowl with fat free ranch dressing containing the bacteria.

“The first run through we forgot about our ninja masks; we had the ranch in our mouths but we forgot to pull the masks down when we faked the sneeze.” Delay told law enforcement officials on Monday morning. “The masks are non-permeable. The second time was the sneeze guard, and we and ended up spraying Ranch all over the plexiglass. It was embarrassing. The third time was the charm, however, and we blew contaminated ranch all over the salad. Unfortunately Goode hiccupped right before the fake sneeze and he accidently swallowed some of the ranch. He never made it to the bathroom. Man down, man…down.” DeLay whispered as he fought back the tears.

The plot to poison Democrats and retake political control began to unravel early Tuesday afternoon after Nancy Pelosi noticed the normally gluttonous Republicans abstaining from the salad bar. After sending several expendable interns over to sample the salad bar and noting their horrific gastrointestinal distress she knew something was amiss.

“I knew the cafeteria food was bad, but this, this something entirely different. Derek never even made it to the men’s room. He literally shit himself right there in the cafeteria. It was horrible.”

Certain that foul play was behind the interns internal distress, Pelosi jumped into quick, savage action.

“We knew we had to get information, and get it quickly. What strain of bacteria did they use? What antibiotics were the bacteria resistant to? These were question that needed immediate answers and we knew how to get them.”

“I knew we had to go to the top on this one. When Na-P (pronounced na pee) called me I knew it was time to do it.” Barak Obama said early Friday morning. “Dick was out walking his dog when we nabbed him. You should’ve seen Hillary throw down on his ass. She used a wounded grouse call to pull him in and then we jumped him. He never even saw it coming; it was a 1, 2 hit. Stun gun to the temple, stun gun to the right quad and a plastic bag over the head. We dragged him into a Dunkin Doughnuts truck and that was it. He didn’t want to talk, just kept on and on about his heart condition and how he needed his pills. I said to him ‘bitch, I wouldn’t worry about your arrhythmia. Worry about Na-P. She’s gonna Kung Fu your fatty plaque covered heart right out of your chest and show it to you.”

“I knew we didn’t really have to worry about Geneva conventions anymore and that really made things easier. Thank you Dick Cheney!” Pelosi said giggling like a schoolgirl. “I just grabbed the car battery out of my Volvo and set of jumper cables. When I hooked that positive lead to Cheney’s nipple his eyeballs almost popped out of his head. I could see the electricity arcing off his teeth like Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi when he throws the Emperor off the edge. I could’ve gotten anything out of him. He would’ve told me NASA was dropping tap dancing cats on the third moon of Mars if that’s what I wanted to hear. He was like silly putty in my thickly gloved hands. He quickly told us everything about the plot-including the involvement of George W. In fifteen minutes we extracted all the information we needed and Cheney had some smoking nipples.” (see related story)

After ruthlessly scorching his nipples Pelosi force fed Cheney Girl Scout cookies and corn syrup until he lapsed into a diabetic coma. His limp, lifeless body was found on the front lawn of the White House by secret service agents several hours after the kidnapping. He was wearing a black, strapless Dolce evening dress with matching black Prada high heels. Cheney was transported to a local area hospital, given insulin and underwear, and released early Sunday morning.

“Dick Cheney was kidnapped early yesterday morning by agents of Al Qaeda looking to smuggle weapons of mass destruction into Venezuela.” Bush told the press this afternoon. “Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton did not, I repeat, did not kidnap my vice president. It was the Venezuelan branch of Al Qaeda led by that Latin devil, Hugo. I promise the American public this will not go unanswered. Nobody dresses up my vice president in a beautiful dress and puts a gorgeous blond wig on him. They even did his makeup. His lips, shit his lips were so full and pouty. They must have done a chemical peel on him; his skin was so clear. They even got rid…rid of…that old man smell…” Bush said, trailing off to whisper as he gazed at the setting sun.

“The president can deny anything he wants.” Pelosi countered, “But he needs to realize we are here to play hardball. He cannot poison the Democrat party out of existence, and we know he was directly responsible for providing DeLay with the E. coli bacteria. We did the lab tests and confirmed everything- it’s Texas E. coli with a capital T.”

The entire incident will be investigated by the Justice Department, but many insiders doubt it will yield any indictments.

“This is how politics is played around Washington.” An anonymous source told CNS. “Cheney’s in a fucking dress, Pelosi’s interns are sick as dogs, Barak wants to stun gun everyone, and the President is forced to deal with a Democratic majority for a little while longer. It’s just a little grace period where everyone learns the strengths and weaknesses of the other side.”

Obesity March Turns Deadly

AFZ Press

San Antonio, Texas

 

Tragedy struck early Saturday morning during the 3^rd annual ‘Freedom from Fat’ march in San Antonio, Texas. The obesity march, a national event hosted every year along the riverwalk has become a symbol of pride and personal acceptance among the overweight, obese and morbidly obese of the Lone Star state.

“We always march around this time of year to raise awareness about obesity and obese issues.” said Myrtle Becter, the public spokesperson for the group. “Americans need to realize that not everyone is made just one size, but unfortunately that’s the world we have created-a single serving size for all Americans. The fact is, other individuals, big-boned people for instance, are not being considered in movie theaters and airplanes, and that sad fact is creating an American tragedy. We developed this awareness march to draw attention to the burgeoning world of the obese.”

Sadly, it was this beautiful, symbolic gesture of love and hope that turned into a horrific tragedy of monstrous proportions early Saturday morning.

Eyewitnesse reports detail a minor traffic accident involving two vehicles and a grossly overloaded Nabisco truck. Unfortunately, the minor ‘fender-bender’ knocked the overladen truck over, spilling boxes of Oreo’s and Oreo double stuffs over the sidewalk and directly into the path of oncoming marchers.

As if activated by some unknown cue, the marchers turned their attention from the designated route and began ambling towards the Nabisco truck, softly moaning ‘Oreo’. The ensuing mass movement towards the overturned vehicle was described by onlookers and police as a ‘snapping, snarling, human tidal wave punctuated with shrill cries of ‘me hungry cookies!’.

“Even though we had only been marching about 35 feet I was beginning to feel emaciated. Suddenly I could almost taste the gooey white filling in my mouth. The dark crumbly cookies coating the sides of my mouth. The next thing I knew I had someone’s ear in my mouth and I was trying to pull it off his head and split it apart like an Oreo cookie. Later, I learned white gooey stuff I was licking wasn’t cookie filling-it was the white matter from his skull.”

Police forces moved quickly to try and redirect the marchers away from the accident scene, but they were quickly overwhelmed by the sheer mass of individuals moving into what the onlookers described as the ‘cookie kill zone’. Marchers unable to reach the cookie boxes attacked police officers and literally ‘pulled them apart like two halves of a cookie and ate them on the spot’.

“We were marching down the street and, well, some of us were perspiring slightly-I didn’t realize how far an 1/8^th of mile could actually be. Well I could feel myself becoming more and more ravenous with each bone grinding step. The sweat was burning my eyes horribly so I couldn’t see anything, but my nose, oh shit, my nose could smell everything! That fucking sweet Nabisco truck was carrying a full case of I’m-gonna-get-my-Oreo-double-stuffs-on! The smell was absolutely overpowering. I felt so sick with lust that at some point I just blacked out. When I regained consciouness I was gnawing on someone’s left arm.”

At one point several horrified marchers realized it was more than just cookies that were being consumed.

“Oh, dear yes. I was marching along toward the Oreo’s and suddenly I realized this wasn’t about cookies anymore. It was a mob feeding frenzy. I felt like a shark in some terrible pool full of unsuspecting fish. It was absolutely exhilarating. I bit the first person I could grab and they were absolutely delicious. Cocoa butter and sweat. Yummy!”

“Yep, once the smell of them cookies got out there you could hear them shrieking and moaning.” Said Ed Dawes, the Nabisco truck driver, “Then they just started pushing each other to get to the cookies and then they just crushed each other. Never seen anything remotely like it. The really heavy ones started running for the cookies and just collapsed clutching at their hearts. Soon as they went down three more would jump on top of em’ and strip those bones clean like Amazonian piranhas. It was horrific.”

Eyewitnesses described a scene of carnage of Biblical proportions, “The sky was literally black with the spray of Oreo cookie crumbs. It blocked out the sun and day was as night and the snarling of the beasts drowned out all sound.” Said Reverend Dave Milkin whose left hand and ear was severely bitten.

San Antonio Chief of Police chief Bert Wiler, “In all my years on the force I’ve never witnessed anything like this. I…I’m sorry, I’m a little shook up right now.” He said fighting back the tears. “I lost three good men. I can’t even find their uniforms. They didn’t even take them out of their uniforms to eat them! How fucking hungry were they??!!”

Some of the marchers followed the little rolling cookies right into the river and, unable to utilize their short, adipose laden arms to swim, drowned with the soggy cookies stuck between their large fingers.

Control was finally restored several hours later when 25 trucks from McDonald’s and Wendy’s arrived and lured the marchers away from the Nabisco carnage. By frying fat laden meat in the back of the trucks and throwing out small pieces of warm burger, the fast food employees lured the hungered marchers away. Tragically, however, this tactic also ended in lost lives as marchers who struggled to run after the trucks suffered massive heart attacks and ended up collapsing off the expressway and directly into oncoming traffic.

General Tommy Franks who was visiting his sister in San Antonio commented, “I have personally never witnessed anything quite like this. I have seen the carnage the dogs of war bring and this goes beyond anything I can imagine. There are fat, dead people all over San Antonio. Hell, I’ve got one stuck on the hood of my Durango. This type of tragedy will never, ever be forgotten.” He said as he consumed a McDonald’s burger.

 

Bush Offers War Czar position to Rumsfield

Washington D.C., AFZ Press

In a move of unprecedented reconciliation, Bush offered former secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield a return to his cabinet the new minted ‘War Czar’ with full pay, a new suit and upgraded parking. The return, fueled by rumors that troops in Iraq were in mutiny over his dismissal, would be the first of its kind by the Bush administration. In an early press release this morning Bush claimed he ‘only wanted to reconcile with his old friend’. The president did, however, make one stipulation: Rumsfield would have to best Condaleeza Rice in knife fight inside a ring of fire.

“I want Rummy to return to the fold, but not before he’s earned his spot by shanking Condi.” Bush stated in a press conference. “She’s one hell of a knife fighter. I saw a secret service agent cut in front of her at a White House pot luck and she buried a letter opener through the back of his skull and cut his throat twice before he hit the ground.”

Miss Rice, who was standing next to the President, agreed. “I want Donald to return to the White House but not before I’ve had a chance to sink my double-edged SOG into his fat, fish-white belly. He’s a dead man. I’ll carve his ass up like an overcooked Christmas goose. I really want his thumbs. I just want to cut off his thumbs as trophies. They’re huge. He’s got giant thumbs.”

Bush nodded in agreement, “He does have big thumbs.”

If other cabinet members seemed uncomfortable by the unusual offer they did not show it. Vice president Cheney seemed almost ecstatic about the prospect of having Rumsfield back. “Man, I really miss Rummy. He was so much fun to party with. Fuck he loved Vodka! Just shitloads of it. He would take a bath in the stuff, blow his lunch and then come back for more. Puking and drinking. He loved it, and man did the ladies dig his party style. When he started dancing there was no telling what was gonna get broke-the furniture or his spine. I saw him blow out a hip once and keep right on dancing and drinking- just screaming and twisting. Great memories. I don’t know if he can take Condi in a knife fight inside a ring of fire. She’s like a nasty ninja with a bad hangover and she wants nothing more than to cut Rummy up. I’d be cool with her.”

Other sources close to the White House agree with Cheney’s assessment and put Rumsfields chances of beating Rice in a knife fight at ‘extremely, extremely low’. This opinion seemed to resonate throughout Congress as well where it was widely rumored that it was Rice who initiated Strom Thurmond’s journey into the afterlife.

“Apparently Strom got a little randy and let his mouth run wild while talking to Condi. Well, before he knew it she had him tied up, cut off his ear, doused him with gasoline, and then shot him in the chest four times, and all of this occurring on the Senate floor while dancing around to ‘hits of the 70’s’. It was demented and gruesome, especially the 70’s music.” An anonymous source told us this week.

With this incident fresh in the minds of everyone on Capital Hill it seems unlikely Rumsfield would return to face such a bloodthirsty adversary.

“It would be like pitting your senile, half blind grandfather against a terminator cyborg infected with rabies. And the terminator has razor sharp scissors instead of fingers.” Laura Bush stated on Friday at a ladies meeting. “I tried to talk Georgie out of it but he said he wanted to see a little sport, and he seems convinced Rummy has a chance against her. It’s pure madness. She’s a fucking pit bull.”

So far Rumsfield’s only comment has been “Good gosh, gee wilikers. I haven’t been in a…in a real old fashioned knife fight in years.”

He has remained in isolation since tendering his resignation earlier this month. His return, while unlikely, would certainly help the US gain control of Iraq, and end the incessant bickering and name-calling that has become such a large part of this conflict.

“Rumsfield may not want to return to this war, but right now our country needs him and his leadership skills. He needs to step up and stab Condi through her unbeating heart, and retake his position as rightful heir to this conflict. The sooner we get Rummy back the sooner we’ll win this little contest in the Middle East.” President Bush said on Friday.