Washington D.C., AFZ Press
In a move of unprecedented reconciliation, Bush offered former secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield a return to his cabinet the new minted ‘War Czar’ with full pay, a new suit and upgraded parking. The return, fueled by rumors that troops in Iraq were in mutiny over his dismissal, would be the first of its kind by the Bush administration. In an early press release this morning Bush claimed he ‘only wanted to reconcile with his old friend’. The president did, however, make one stipulation: Rumsfield would have to best Condaleeza Rice in knife fight inside a ring of fire.
“I want Rummy to return to the fold, but not before he’s earned his spot by shanking Condi.” Bush stated in a press conference. “She’s one hell of a knife fighter. I saw a secret service agent cut in front of her at a White House pot luck and she buried a letter opener through the back of his skull and cut his throat twice before he hit the ground.”
Miss Rice, who was standing next to the President, agreed. “I want Donald to return to the White House but not before I’ve had a chance to sink my double-edged SOG into his fat, fish-white belly. He’s a dead man. I’ll carve his ass up like an overcooked Christmas goose. I really want his thumbs. I just want to cut off his thumbs as trophies. They’re huge. He’s got giant thumbs.”
Bush nodded in agreement, “He does have big thumbs.”
If other cabinet members seemed uncomfortable by the unusual offer they did not show it. Vice president Cheney seemed almost ecstatic about the prospect of having Rumsfield back. “Man, I really miss Rummy. He was so much fun to party with. Fuck he loved Vodka! Just shitloads of it. He would take a bath in the stuff, blow his lunch and then come back for more. Puking and drinking. He loved it, and man did the ladies dig his party style. When he started dancing there was no telling what was gonna get broke-the furniture or his spine. I saw him blow out a hip once and keep right on dancing and drinking- just screaming and twisting. Great memories. I don’t know if he can take Condi in a knife fight inside a ring of fire. She’s like a nasty ninja with a bad hangover and she wants nothing more than to cut Rummy up. I’d be cool with her.”
Other sources close to the White House agree with Cheney’s assessment and put Rumsfields chances of beating Rice in a knife fight at ‘extremely, extremely low’. This opinion seemed to resonate throughout Congress as well where it was widely rumored that it was Rice who initiated Strom Thurmond’s journey into the afterlife.
“Apparently Strom got a little randy and let his mouth run wild while talking to Condi. Well, before he knew it she had him tied up, cut off his ear, doused him with gasoline, and then shot him in the chest four times, and all of this occurring on the Senate floor while dancing around to ‘hits of the 70’s’. It was demented and gruesome, especially the 70’s music.” An anonymous source told us this week.
With this incident fresh in the minds of everyone on Capital Hill it seems unlikely Rumsfield would return to face such a bloodthirsty adversary.
“It would be like pitting your senile, half blind grandfather against a terminator cyborg infected with rabies. And the terminator has razor sharp scissors instead of fingers.” Laura Bush stated on Friday at a ladies meeting. “I tried to talk Georgie out of it but he said he wanted to see a little sport, and he seems convinced Rummy has a chance against her. It’s pure madness. She’s a fucking pit bull.”
So far Rumsfield’s only comment has been “Good gosh, gee wilikers. I haven’t been in a…in a real old fashioned knife fight in years.”
He has remained in isolation since tendering his resignation earlier this month. His return, while unlikely, would certainly help the US gain control of Iraq, and end the incessant bickering and name-calling that has become such a large part of this conflict.
“Rumsfield may not want to return to this war, but right now our country needs him and his leadership skills. He needs to step up and stab Condi through her unbeating heart, and retake his position as rightful heir to this conflict. The sooner we get Rummy back the sooner we’ll win this little contest in the Middle East.” President Bush said on Friday.
