AFZ Press, Washington DC
In a single, brilliant, coordinated attack, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi foiled a Republican plot to poison several key Democrats. In a desperate move to regain control of the House and the Senate, Republican party members attempted to poison the salad bar in the Capital Hill cafeteria. Using E. coli specimens obtained from a Texas outhouse, Tom DeLay and Virgil Goode walked through the salad bar line dressed as ninjas and, ‘while pretending to sneeze’, doused the salad bowl with fat free ranch dressing containing the bacteria.
“The first run through we forgot about our ninja masks; we had the ranch in our mouths but we forgot to pull the masks down when we faked the sneeze.” Delay told law enforcement officials on Monday morning. “The masks are non-permeable. The second time was the sneeze guard, and we and ended up spraying Ranch all over the plexiglass. It was embarrassing. The third time was the charm, however, and we blew contaminated ranch all over the salad. Unfortunately Goode hiccupped right before the fake sneeze and he accidently swallowed some of the ranch. He never made it to the bathroom. Man down, man…down.” DeLay whispered as he fought back the tears.
The plot to poison Democrats and retake political control began to unravel early Tuesday afternoon after Nancy Pelosi noticed the normally gluttonous Republicans abstaining from the salad bar. After sending several expendable interns over to sample the salad bar and noting their horrific gastrointestinal distress she knew something was amiss.
“I knew the cafeteria food was bad, but this, this something entirely different. Derek never even made it to the men’s room. He literally shit himself right there in the cafeteria. It was horrible.”
Certain that foul play was behind the interns internal distress, Pelosi jumped into quick, savage action.
“We knew we had to get information, and get it quickly. What strain of bacteria did they use? What antibiotics were the bacteria resistant to? These were question that needed immediate answers and we knew how to get them.”
“I knew we had to go to the top on this one. When Na-P (pronounced na pee) called me I knew it was time to do it.” Barak Obama said early Friday morning. “Dick was out walking his dog when we nabbed him. You should’ve seen Hillary throw down on his ass. She used a wounded grouse call to pull him in and then we jumped him. He never even saw it coming; it was a 1, 2 hit. Stun gun to the temple, stun gun to the right quad and a plastic bag over the head. We dragged him into a Dunkin Doughnuts truck and that was it. He didn’t want to talk, just kept on and on about his heart condition and how he needed his pills. I said to him ‘bitch, I wouldn’t worry about your arrhythmia. Worry about Na-P. She’s gonna Kung Fu your fatty plaque covered heart right out of your chest and show it to you.”
“I knew we didn’t really have to worry about Geneva conventions anymore and that really made things easier. Thank you Dick Cheney!” Pelosi said giggling like a schoolgirl. “I just grabbed the car battery out of my Volvo and set of jumper cables. When I hooked that positive lead to Cheney’s nipple his eyeballs almost popped out of his head. I could see the electricity arcing off his teeth like Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi when he throws the Emperor off the edge. I could’ve gotten anything out of him. He would’ve told me NASA was dropping tap dancing cats on the third moon of Mars if that’s what I wanted to hear. He was like silly putty in my thickly gloved hands. He quickly told us everything about the plot-including the involvement of George W. In fifteen minutes we extracted all the information we needed and Cheney had some smoking nipples.” (see related story)
After ruthlessly scorching his nipples Pelosi force fed Cheney Girl Scout cookies and corn syrup until he lapsed into a diabetic coma. His limp, lifeless body was found on the front lawn of the White House by secret service agents several hours after the kidnapping. He was wearing a black, strapless Dolce evening dress with matching black Prada high heels. Cheney was transported to a local area hospital, given insulin and underwear, and released early Sunday morning.
“Dick Cheney was kidnapped early yesterday morning by agents of Al Qaeda looking to smuggle weapons of mass destruction into Venezuela.” Bush told the press this afternoon. “Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton did not, I repeat, did not kidnap my vice president. It was the Venezuelan branch of Al Qaeda led by that Latin devil, Hugo. I promise the American public this will not go unanswered. Nobody dresses up my vice president in a beautiful dress and puts a gorgeous blond wig on him. They even did his makeup. His lips, shit his lips were so full and pouty. They must have done a chemical peel on him; his skin was so clear. They even got rid…rid of…that old man smell…” Bush said, trailing off to whisper as he gazed at the setting sun.
“The president can deny anything he wants.” Pelosi countered, “But he needs to realize we are here to play hardball. He cannot poison the Democrat party out of existence, and we know he was directly responsible for providing DeLay with the E. coli bacteria. We did the lab tests and confirmed everything- it’s Texas E. coli with a capital T.”
The entire incident will be investigated by the Justice Department, but many insiders doubt it will yield any indictments.
“This is how politics is played around Washington.” An anonymous source told CNS. “Cheney’s in a fucking dress, Pelosi’s interns are sick as dogs, Barak wants to stun gun everyone, and the President is forced to deal with a Democratic majority for a little while longer. It’s just a little grace period where everyone learns the strengths and weaknesses of the other side.”
Tags: Barak Obama, Democrats, Pelosi
