Trendy, SoHo restaurant owner Micheal Hoffman had no idea his sign would create such a public outcry. Having endured rude, unruly children for the past two years was becoming more than he could bear and was seriously affecting his business. With an attitude, a black felt tip pen, and some scratch paper he constructed a crude sign stating “Loud unruly children will be shot!”. It was this sign hanging in his windows next to the geraniums that resulted in a severe community-wide backlash.
“I couldn’t believe anyone would place a sign like that in their window. I think he’s a bastard for writing that! My children are little angels.” Said Eve Swanson after walking past the restaurant. “Sure, William has a penchant for gasoline and matches, but what healthy child these days doesn’t?”
“I felt personally offended by what he wrote.” Said Dave Cummings, “My kids are hyperactive, sugar guzzling gremlins and I’m pounding them with Ritalin. What more can I do?”
“Mary is a really good kid, she just has trouble with authority figures, and I don’t want to stifle that sense of freedom and curiosity. She loves to dig through peoples purses and I think that’s a great thing. The world is hers to explore.” Said Beth Whitehouse.
Hoffman had no idea the amount of criticism he would receive over the sign and the actions associated with it.
“We actually had an incident where a little lad had grabbed a meatball and hucked it across the room at another diner. Well the ball was hot and it ended up scorching the face of the poor woman. Right then I knew it was time to act. I authorized the hit and I stand by my decision. The only thing I regret is the collateral damage.”
Hoffman is referring to an incident that occurred last May when his waiter, Rufus Huckbee, walked up to the irate child and shot him in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. The dart, loaded with 8mg of the horse tranquilizer Isopene, failed to calm the child. In the ensuing melee Huckbee was forced to shoot the child three more times before he could pull the enraged child off of his leg. Understandably shaken he accidentally pulled the trigger as he stumbled backwards and ended up shooting an elderly woman in the forehead. While the dart failed to pierce her skull it considerably slowed the pace of her pasta consumption. “Things were really out of control. Pasta and meatballs flying everywhere. Al dente my ass. It was a war zone. That kid took 24mg of Isopene before his eyes glazed over and he dropped the bowtie pasta. It was horrific. That poor old lady just looked up at me and asked ‘why?’ I couldn’t give her a rational answer.” Huckbee said later.
“I was really mad at my mommy.” Said Billy Simpkins age 3, “She wouldn’t give me sea horsey so I said I hated her. I hated food. Yuck. The man shot me with a feather thing and I was tired.”
“That waiter had no right to shoot my little Billy with a dart.” Said Mary Simpkins, “Who knows what those horse drugs will do to him?”
Hoffman shook his head in disgust, “There are no scientific studies showing any specific ill effects on children. Currently Isopene is approved for all veterinary uses. Hell, they use these things on million dollar racehorses, do you really think they’d do that if the drugs weren’t safe?”
“Shooting children with horse tranquilizers, while not scientifically unsound, may set up a dangerous cycle of drug seeking behavior.” Said Psychologist Norma Wood. “This may encourage children to act out just so they can be tranquilized. I have been treating Billy for one year after the incident and I find his behavior slightly irrational. He will literally attack any horse he can find, biting at their legs to try and get the ‘horsey sleepy juice’ he believes exists in the animals. He has been trampled and kicked on multiple occasions. This type of restaurant policy is clearly not in the best interest of the child. That being said, it does make the dining out experience much more enjoyable!”
In light of the public outcry over the sign Hoffman has decided to append it.
“I knew we needed to be more specific, and the blame is really mine. I’ve since altered the sign to read ‘Loud, unruly children will be shot with horse tranquilizers’, and this seems to have done the trick. Business is booming and the restaurant is as quiet as a graveyard. I think we’ve reached an acceptable compromise for all parties involved.
Tags: Fake news, unruly kids
