In a desperate attempt to appear more ‘human’ and less robotic Hillary Clinton has been accused of attempting to employ laughter to dispel rumors she is an ‘unearthly cybernetic organism’. Her recent appearances on several talk shows have allowed her to showcase her new laughter and a lighter side to her political candidacy.
“I wanted to show I could pull off a genuine laugh without actually injuring my face. I think my laughter shows the overwhelming joy I have in my heart! Joy, Joy Joy, down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart!” She chanted as she broke into a spine-chilling giggle.
The public reaction was, however, not as joyful.
“That laugh, that fucking laugh. Shit, it was horrible.” Said Bob Simmons as he struggled to hold back the tears, “What creature actually sounds like that?”
“I’ve never heard a sound that could actually stop the beating of my heart.” Said Evan Swenk, “But the doctors claim I was clinically dead for 13 minutes. There was no tunnel of light, just darkness, just the darkness and that sound coming from her face. It was the most horrific moment of my life.”
“My son, Billy, literally began shrieking. He grabbed his pet cat, hector, and tried to pull out all of its fur. He just kept crying out ‘make it stop mommy, please make it stop or hector will be sad!’ Said houswife Ede White.
However, not all public reaction was unfavorable, “While I found the sound and facial expressions very disturbing, I felt my visceral reaction to claw out my own eyes may have an actual usage.” Said Army Colonel Dave Duskins of US ARMY PsYOps. “We have to find a way to break down prisoners and we’re finding that torture just doesn’t really work all that well. They scream and cry and tell us anything we want to hear. Not so good. When we played the tape of Hillary laughing to several inmates at Guantanamo we found they broke down very quickly. They still cried and screamed, but they gave us solid intel. You should have seen them groveling, begging us to turn off the tape. It was pathetic. Of course I couldn’t hear their cries, what with the ear plugs, ear muffs and double blindfold I was wearing. It took awhile to find the stop button on the VCR.”
The ARMY has been conducting extensive testing to discover the secret effect to the malevolent cackling.
“We sat down a room full of special forces operatives, SEALs, Force Recon, Rangers, and played them the tape. Remember these guys are stone cold killers. They folded like cheap origami. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. After 10 seconds the SEALs in the front row collapsed into the fetal position and began sucking their thumbs. A Ranger in the back row tried to throw himself through a wall to escape the sound. It was chaos. They ended up attacking the TV unit and destroying it with their bare hands. They were so completely enraged by the sound that they lost control of their minds. It was a powerful testament to what this woman laughing can do to other humans.”
“There are some primates in the animal kingdom that can create sounds so unnatural that it becomes excruciatingly painful for other humans to listen to.” Said ARMY psychologist Russ Bingham, “Hillary’s laughter is so forced, so alien to her psyche, that she ends up creating a sound that is, quite literally, torturous to endure. It is the physiological equivalent of ‘nails on a chalkboard’ for your immortal soul. We can use her anguished cackle to break down prisoners of war. Forget shipping these poor assholes to Syria to get beaten with lead pipes, this is the new method of extraction!”
Amnesty International has filed a formal protest against the use of Clinton’s laughter on inmates at Guantanamo bay.
“We feel the use of Hillary’s laughter is completely inhumane. We would rather have the military use waterboarding rather than play this tape to inmates. We despise the use of all torture, but this crosses the line. Her laughter is, without a doubt, the worst method of torture we have ever encountered.” Said William Marcus, a spokesperson for Amnesty International.
The Pentagon, however, is not willing to give up the newest device in the War on Terror.
“We feel this is a valid tool that does not violate what used to be the Geneva Convention. There are no marks on the prisoners. No dark, dungeon-type tortures. Hell, we can play this tape in a sunny room with filled flowers, baby lambs, clowns and balloons and still elicit pain from our inmates. Her laughter is rewriting the textbook on torture.” Said an anonymous source within the Pentagon. “We played this tape to dolphins swimming in a tank and they literally drove themselves into the side of the tank until they were unconscious. Her laughter will allow us to control the entire animal kingdom with fear and terror!”
Political commentators appear to less than thrilled with her laughter.
“I will never have that woman on my show again.” said Bob Schieffer, host of Face the Nation. “She was completely deranged. I wanted to punch her every time I heard that laugh, and I haven’t punched anyone for several weeks. Why would she laugh like that? Was she high or something?”
Popular psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw was equally appalled, “Her laughter is a sign of her deep seated need to try and force people to vote for her. She knows it’s wrong but she can’t help but doing it. Her behavior shows a callous disregard for the psyche of all those around her. She needs to take a good, hard look at that laugh and decide how many lives she’s willing to destroy with it.”
Clinton was surprised at the overall reaction to her laughter.
“I thought they’d love it. It’s all about my joy. I’m so happy, why can’t they see that? Well if they can’t take my sweet, sweet laughter then fuck’em!”
