Early Monday morning two hunters shot and killed a small (2Kg) winged cherub that has been postitively identified as ‘cupid’. DNA tests confirmed the kill Wednesday afternoon at an undisclosed Wyoming Fish and Game laboratory.
“We have positively identified the remains of one A. S. Cupid, angel of love. We have estimated his age to be about 4,000 years old, making him the oldest known big game species ever captured in Wyoming history. Aiding in the identification were his personal effects which included a small wooden bow, a quiver full of ivory arrows, and a Starbucks charge card with the name ‘A Cupid’. He dressed out at slightly over 1kg and that is currently a new record in the Boone and Crocket registry.”Said Albert Esk, spokesperson for Wyoming Fish and Game.
“I’ve been tracking this little bugger for years, but I had no idea I’d ever hit the sun-of-a-bitch with a clean shot.” Said Erlen Busby, “I looked over at Hank and said ‘Is that what I think it is?’ and Hank dropped his Ranier and said ‘Hell yea it is. Blast that little winged fucker’. So I put the 30-.06 up to my shoulder, drew a bead, and let’er fly. The first shot winged him and it took off flying straight at us, shooting arrows at me and Hank. Right then I was afeared for my life; I had Cupid fever real bad. My third shot finally got it, but ole Hank had an arrow sticking out of his chest and weird look on his face. I says to him ‘Hank, shit, Hank are you gonna be okay?’ cause it looked real bad and he says ‘Yea, I’m alright, just hold me, I’m so cold.’ And I says ‘Hank don’t die on me, jus’ hold on.’ And he says ‘Oh I will.’ And he gazed up at me with a real weird look in his eyes-kinda the same way he looks at beer. I knewed somethin’ was wrong. The whole drive back he kept lookin’ at me and try to touch my ears and such. I was real mad at him-finally I kicked his ass outta the truck and made him walk the rest of the way home. Ivory arrow in his chest or not I wasn’t about to let that go on! However, that bein’ said I must confess he is a hansome fella!”
“It’s too bad they had to shoot him,” Said Evelyn Artis of the San Francisco Zoo, “We would love to have him in the new ‘Mythological Creatures of Yore’ exhibit. Currently we’ve only been able to capture a Harpy, and most people do not really enjoy it as an exhibit. Having a sweet, angelic creature flitting about would really boost the profile of the Zoo.”
With the death of Cupid, however some third graders are worried about the future prospects of love on Valentines day. “I really like Becky Simson and I was counting on Cupid to put a little love in her heart for me. I made her a special valentine with glue and macaroni. I’m good at marbles but I’ve got really bad buck teeth and without that Cupid I don’t think she’ll ever really go out with me.”
“He’s right.” Said Becky “he does have buck teeth.”
Others seemed happy with demise of Cupid.
“I hate love. I hate life. I glad he’s dead. Bring on the darkness.” Chanted William ‘Moldart’ Clemens, age 15. “I’m a nihilistic anarchist and I hate love. But I love heavy metal. I think I’m gonna write a song about that little bastard dying.”
Eventually Cupid’s remains will stuffed and put on display at the Wyoming Museum of Natural History. Taxidermist Clay Pots will perform the postmortem work to bring Cupid back to life and put him on display.
“It’s sure a weird deal trying to make him look real. When they brought him in he was only wearing a little towel. We’re gonna have to dress him in Carhartts to protect the women and children. Can’t have a little naked fellar hanging out in a museum. Wouldn’t be right.” Said Pots.
“It was the crowning glory of my hunting career.” said Erlen Busby, “But poor Hank still ain’t right in the head. The arrow’s clean gone, but he still looks at me all weird-like. Ole Hank gone clean off the deep end, but I guess it’s cause he’s jealous about me gettin’ a Boone and Crocket Cupid. Oh well, maybe next year he’ll get a shot at another bugger.”
Tags: cupid, Valentines day
