With the war in Iraq closing in on 7 years and thousands of casualties, the Pentagon is looking for new, inventive ideas to employ on the urban-desert battlefield. Operation Monkey Business may be exactly what the war in Iraq needs. “New wars require new tactics,” Said pentagon spokesmen James Farnuk, “and this tactic is pure gold.”
The tactic Farnuk is referring to is the new plan unveiled today to train and arm 5500 monkeys, apes, and chimps for peacekeeping operations in the Iraq theater.
“This may sound slightly crazy,” Farnuk said at a Pentagon press release, “But these primates are exactly what the war needs. They cannot speak English, so we don’t have to hear them whining about how they’d like to have ceramic plates in their body armor. They’re used to living in a zoo or a jungle so housing them will be easy. And they’ve got opposable thumbs on their hands and their feet. Think about it: the average foot soldier only has two limbs that can fire weapons. These buggers have four. Guns on their hands. Guns on their feet. These guys are bristling death!”
“Hannibal used elephants to great success, but this may be a tactic of a new order. Giving monkeys guns and grenades is radically different from using pachyderms to cross mountains.” Said Col. Devin LaBrie of Army Special Ops command. “These primates are not bound by the Geneva Convention which only applies to humans. Plus, they are ultra aggressive when we starve them for several days. Anyone that makes eye contact with these chimps is gonna get a bullet in the brain, or any other place these monkeys can hit!”
The new plan was devised by the commander-in-chief after a late night viewing of Planet of the Apes.
“I never realized how ruthless apes can be until I saw Charlton Heston being man-handled by those dirty apes. It was terrifying to watch how vicious they could be!” Bush said in a press conference on Monday. “I knew any ape that could handle a man like Heston would be a great soldier in Iraq. I got on the horn immediately to try and find out what happened to the apes in that movie. Were they executed for their crimes against humanity? No one seems to know where they went. But I’m sure if we round up enough apes we’ll get some of their descendants in the mix. They come from good stock. Tough fighters. Kinda creep though, apes talking like men and wearing man-clothes, but that may be what we need. Bloodthirsty, smart apes that can speak perfect English. This is going to be the turning point of the war!” Bush said with unbridled enthusiasm.
The plan, however, is being criticized by animal rights groups that feel this would be placing primates in a difficult situation. “My God, these are peaceful creatures not tools of war!” Said Emily Smith of PETA. “They know nothing of war or killing or even how to load a gun and the US military wants to use them as pawns to attack other humans. This is atrocious. How will the apes be compensated-in bananas? What about access to health care on the battlefield? The hot sand will burn their tender foot pads. Who knows how to treat an ape on the battlefield? This plan is not sound.”
The president, however, seems unperturbed by the critics.
“This plan rules. Once those apes touch down in Iraq they will be killing machines. No mercy, just chimps enslaving the terrorists and parading them around in leg irons and neck chains. This will be my greatest success. Apes in Iraq is going to totally rock!”
